One Reason Why Censorship Sounds Good:

A-holes.

The internet has made me a hater of people. If it wasn't for the internet, I'd actually believe that the youth of this generation actually has a hope of progressing modern society. The worst of it would probably be the actual forums of discussions that litter and plague the internet, where children and idiots alike actually have a chance to spew out opinions that have spawned from the repugnant stench of gray matter encased and fermenting in a container of bone. The things they talk about are of pure idiocy served with a side dish of poor grammar and syntax. It infuriates me when they insult the comments of a fellow forummer based on the fact that they did not understand what he was talking about. And in response, all they can do is throw a bunch of vulgar language around and whine and bitch like its constructive in some way. The worst part of it is, they actually press "Submit" after they've consciously and soberly typed up what they wanted the internet community (the world) to view and judge them by. Where do these people even get computers with internet? I really should just take away everybody's keyboards. Make them write everything in ASCII code with 0's and 1's. Then they'll actually ponder what in their mind they really want to say. If the comment would devalue the human race as a whole, they probably won't say it.

Oh, and not to mention the videos on the massively multi-user social interaction medium of Youtube. I see it as the epitome of human achievement in all things not in literature, science, art, engineering, sports, philosophy, and history. In short, nothingness. Granted, there are numerous videos which are amazing and certainly worth the viewing time, but said videos are usually associated with one of the aforementioned worthwhile achievements of man or nature (i.e. cover songs, instructional videos, natural phenomena, etc.). As for the rest of the videos that aren't merely illegally recorded off of cable television or legally posted by recording studios, they are the worst. If these videos were people, I would advocate their genocide. They include nasally junior high children showing off a poorly executed card trick or how to use their new crappy paintball gun. They might also be stating their stance on a certain topic of discussion of which nobody in the rational world really gives a rat's ass about. Again, they voice their opinions ineloquently and their points of debate are terribly based and easily refuted with either universally known facts or simple, hardcore logic.

Of course, there will be those who claim "nO!!!!11 THERS SUMTHIN CALD TEH 1ST EMENDMNT IN THE DECLERASHUN OF INDEPENDANCE WICH SEZ THAT THER TEH FREEDUM OF EXPRESHUN SO UR FKIN STUPID YOU IDOT!!! LOLLL!! -t3hG4m3M4s+3r STRIKES AGAIN"
Yeah? So be it. But in real life terms, this is the equivalent of standing in a mall at 2 in the afternoon while a good friend whom you respect is getting sexually violated by a group of raggamuffins. You try to stop them because it is obviously wrong, but there are a bunch of people that restrain you, telling you to shut up because those people have a right to be raping your friend. Don't get me wrong, I'm certain that the freedom of expression is extremely important to the foundation of the United States, and I'm all for it when it needs to be used to dutifully and rightfully inform the world about important ongoings in all social, political, and scientific matters alike. But when that right gets abused to these extremes, something is terribly wrong with man kind. At least Youtube's "Mark as spam" button has got the right idea. Now if only that could be applied videos and users...

In conclusion, I would not have known that there are so many ridiculously dimwitted, gullible, ignorant, thickheaded, nonsensical people roaming unchecked in such a developed, industrialized, free country if it wasn't for the internet.

The Honest Lies of Jon.

Truth is a fickle thing. Honesty is yet another. “Is there a difference between honesty and the truth?” Maybe that's irrelevant. In any case, today I'd like to talk about a friend of mine. One who i question more and more every day.

We'll (I'll) call this certain fellow Jon for the sake of anonymity (as well as for easy typing). Jon has been my good friend for the past 3-4 years. I think he's been there ever since i entered high school. From the beginning up to this day, I feel that i have lost a certain (read: ginormous) level of respect of Jon. That said, I would like you to know that i am a quite open-minded fellow. Not gullible (maybe borderline), but i do have a fine line of "enough" that i draw at a certain point. I am trusting of words and opinions, but i also do let trivial, far-fetched stories slide for the sake of flowing, enjoyable conversation (i.e. stories about utter 1337 pwnage in CS, SC, Halo, etc.). Jon, however, is something of a demon-god juggernaut when it comes to social story telling for the sake of telling stories to impress friends for about 5 seconds. Jon takes it to a new level. His stories exemplify everything you could ever use the prefix "over-" for. Examples: overkill, overblown, overstated, overwrought, overwhelming, overutterbullshitnessosity, overetc.

Upon further recollection, I wont tell Jon's stories. I'll save that for a later post after we've gone to different colleges. I'll just talk about how his stories have changed my perception of Jon.

Assuming that you've now heard Jon's amazingly outrageous stories of the departed...whoops..did i let that slip? Oop. Lookit that. Teaser. hooray. hot. moving on. I don't know if Jon's stories are tests of my loyalty or my brotherly love for this fellow. If they are, he's sick. The worst part is, he's even told some gal friends before too and made them deathly worried about Jon. They later doubted Jon's truthfulness and decided to ignore him on future stories. The gals are still his friends to this day, however, Jon doesn't pull anymore of his bullshit in fear of thinking minds turning on him and unleashing all hell upon his credibility as a friend. Thus, he has resorted to his old faithful buddy, me. The idiot. I still listen to Jon's stuff. I play along. It's tough, yes. But at what cost? What could i possibly gain by confronting him with his ill-founded tales. More than once have i held back the urge to let loose a surge of questions that could easily pwn that mofo with pure, unfiltered, holy logic. [side note: Jon is a terrible story teller. His tales have many holes. Many things that can be contested but impossible to verify. So in short, checkmate. Nothing we can do about his bullshit except smell it like it was meant to be.] I don't want to hurt him. I seem like one of his closest friends ironically. He seems like a pretty sensitive guy and to go all out and just slam him for all his lies after all these years would probably simply crush the man. Hanging out with him is getting stale. His jokes aren't that funny. The inside comments he makes are hard to discern and detect. Usually he just yells out a random sound or some random word (i.e. "PURPLE!!!!!") and then laughs manically about it afterwards, expecting me or another friend of his to 30961980040512% understand him and laugh accordingly. Usually i give a monosyllabic dry laugh and turn away. I think that's the best reaction for the both of us these days.

It's been a while since he's enlightened me on the ongoings of his epic odyssey in the dark, evil world of his even though he acts and seems like one of us [nerd-ish]. But recently, he dropped another omfg-not-this-crap-again bomb that sounds no different than his words of the past year. I thought he got over it. I thought he understood that maybe people really don't care anymore. I thought that maybe he decided that it's not funny to screw with people's compassion for him and the time and heart people put into listening to his stories. But no, nothing's changed this year even. His resilience is astounding. His determination confounding. His evaluation of my mental capacity to logically reason his stories, mistaken. Same old Jon. Same Jon. Jon.

In short, I've given up. High school is almost over now, might as well keep to it for just a little bit longer. Then the day after graduation, just ask him front and center, "Hey, remember all that stuff you told me during high school about _______________________________________________________ ? Tell me the truth right here and right now. Was/Is it all real? Be honest now. Right now. Only now." But until that day comes, I'll just imagine walking away from the conversation in mid-sentence. Wasn't ever much of a conversation anyway.

I hope Jon never goes into acting. He's terrible.

Maybe I should go into acting....after appearing all surprised and shocked at repetitious, hackneyed, contrived stories for over 3 years, I must admit that I'm pretty darn good at it. Something to think about while I'm in college.

The Lost Satire

I had an English assignment earlier this school year to write a satire about some issue that i found to be bothersome. I suppose we couldve been downright hilarious with out solutions, not unlike Jonathan Swift's, A Modest Proposal. I wrote one about fast drivers which was ohk in my opinion. But in the process, I helped a friend of mine write his. I gave him the suggestion of writing about the movement to save the whales. He worked on it while i fed him suggestions while i was doing other homework. However, when he gave it to me for revision/opinions, i made so many corrections that i ended up re-writing his entire paper. I returned it to him, but he admitted that my writing was too unlike his and in his future work he would be expected to live up to the caliber of writing on that assignment. So he probably only used 3.28% of that paper i wrote. My version lay stagnant until this day, and here it is in all its satirical glory:

I have just deleted another e-mail with a vague message that was vaguely asking me to part with my hard-earned wages in exchange for something vague. Oh, I just remembered. Something about whales and saving them from something. Why don’t these activists, and I’m using the term “activist” very loosely being that the noun “activist” is derived from the adjective “active” indicating that the noun form should be active in one way or another, ask me to save the dogs, I see those cute things every day and especially with monsters like Vick in world, I can be sure that my donations and efforts would not be in vain. But whales? Killer? Humpback? SPERM? What in the world are whales? How can I trust these things with my money if I have never even seen something of the sort! Every time I hear about this “Save the Whales!” rubbish, I ask myself, what value do whales pose to me? They drink my water and eat and maim my fellow human sailors and fishermen. Precisely because a whale continuously harassed the fishing vessel in the novel, Moby Dick, millions of sheets of paper and thousands of gallons of ink were wasted on detailing the story, not counting the billions of hours consumed perusing over the text in search of elusive, almost-mythical literary devices. They sink boats and ruin businesses so that international economies falter and sputter, causing me to pay more taxes and enjoy less seafood. And when these killer humpback sperm creatures are not busy ravaging the high seas, they’re getting beached and rotting to death out of spite so neither I nor any of my friends can enjoy the beach. Then there are people who say whales are smart. If whales are so smart, then how come they still haven't learned to breathe underwater like everything else that lives underwater? They've had only 40 million years to do it and they still can’t pull it off.

Upon further recollection, what value do whales pose to the ecosystem as a whole? They take up massive amounts of volume, contributing to the rising sea levels of the melting polar caps. With so many whales swimming rampant in the sea, the numerous prospering coastal communities of today could soon be submerged tomorrow! And speaking of global warming, these behemoths of waste only exacerbate the problem. Consider their mass and the amount of energy it takes to maintain equilibrium within all that flesh. All that energy and heat that they selfishly radiate from their bodies only fuel the fires of our apocalypse! And what do these gigantic monsters eat to fill their enormous, over-sized bowels? Microscopic animals called zooplankton. And what is the death toll from just one meal? Something in the neighborhood of 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. And I thought Americans had a tendency for excess. To further the waste, these whales do not uphold the duties that would usually be upheld by creatures of similar size. Other consumers such as sharks need all of their body mass to catch the amount and size of food required for their survival. How big does one need to be to eat food that one can hardly even see? Whales swim around the ocean all smug and lethargic, selfishly with-holding their large amounts of unused meat and nutrient that could otherwise be used to feed fellow inhabitants in the oceans.

Now how should we dispose of these vulgar whales in such a way as to minimize the damage and waste that they have already caused? My modest proposal is to nuke the whales. No doubt, nukes seem like too dangerous of a weapon to be deployed, but that is precisely the point! With so many nukes being stockpiled around the world, would it not be in the best interest of the survival of the human race, as well as other terrestrial beings, to quickly and efficiently dispose of these nuclear weapons? We could safely diminish our supply of such weapons, all the while providing the much needed first-hand, quality training to our thinly-stretched, battle-experience-lacking United States Navy. God bless America. God damn the whales.

There are countless advantages to nuking the whales. First and foremost, eliminating the whales would be the plankton equivalent of finding the cure for cancer, AIDS, drunk driving, wars, mercury poisoning, faulty parachutes, smoking, drinking, smoke drinking, pedophilia, radical Muslim extremism, bungie-jumping miscalculation, and old age combined. And in an extra step, after we have prevented the deaths of harmless animals, we will provide plentiful nourishment and food for all species within the oceans. Sharks will have their fill, lowering the human death toll by nine a year! Fish will become stronger and in turn, produce more offspring which will improve the fishing economies around the world, setting off a domino effect that would result in lower taxes as well as lower seafood costs, allowing me to serve more cocktail shrimp and fish sticks at my future parties, further increasing my popularity and utility within my social network of friends and family. But most importantly, “Save the Whale” activists would cease to exist and their e-mails along with them. Thus giving me the extra time I would need during crucial moments to finish my homework assignments before I leave for school, such as this essa

First Time!

oh wow...up to this point i never really had a blog. I suppose i had one but it wasnt anything more than a rant forum composed of me, myself, and i (and probably the random friend "hacker")....on further consideration, that was a blog. yes.

...

*triumphant* THIS IS A NEW ONE! A NEW START! yes. this is the moo cow of 4 years later. I begin anew. This will be the non-middleschool/freshman me. This is post-Troy moo cow. Interesting thought, no? yes. well, i hope this goes far. I wonder if i'll let anyone read this. Anyone i know anyway. haahhhaa. mmhm.