I had an English assignment earlier this school year to write a satire about some issue that i found to be bothersome. I suppose we couldve been downright hilarious with out solutions, not unlike Jonathan Swift's, A Modest Proposal. I wrote one about fast drivers which was ohk in my opinion. But in the process, I helped a friend of mine write his. I gave him the suggestion of writing about the movement to save the whales. He worked on it while i fed him suggestions while i was doing other homework. However, when he gave it to me for revision/opinions, i made so many corrections that i ended up re-writing his entire paper. I returned it to him, but he admitted that my writing was too unlike his and in his future work he would be expected to live up to the caliber of writing on that assignment. So he probably only used 3.28% of that paper i wrote. My version lay stagnant until this day, and here it is in all its satirical glory:
I have just deleted another e-mail with a vague message that was vaguely asking me to part with my hard-earned wages in exchange for something vague. Oh, I just remembered. Something about whales and saving them from something. Why don’t these activists, and I’m using the term “activist” very loosely being that the noun “activist” is derived from the adjective “active” indicating that the noun form should be active in one way or another, ask me to save the dogs, I see those cute things every day and especially with monsters like Vick in world, I can be sure that my donations and efforts would not be in vain. But whales? Killer? Humpback? SPERM? What in the world are whales? How can I trust these things with my money if I have never even seen something of the sort! Every time I hear about this “Save the Whales!” rubbish, I ask myself, what value do whales pose to me? They drink my water and eat and maim my fellow human sailors and fishermen. Precisely because a whale continuously harassed the fishing vessel in the novel, Moby Dick, millions of sheets of paper and thousands of gallons of ink were wasted on detailing the story, not counting the billions of hours consumed perusing over the text in search of elusive, almost-mythical literary devices. They sink boats and ruin businesses so that international economies falter and sputter, causing me to pay more taxes and enjoy less seafood. And when these killer humpback sperm creatures are not busy ravaging the high seas, they’re getting beached and rotting to death out of spite so neither I nor any of my friends can enjoy the beach. Then there are people who say whales are smart. If whales are so smart, then how come they still haven't learned to breathe underwater like everything else that lives underwater? They've had only 40 million years to do it and they still can’t pull it off.
Upon further recollection, what value do whales pose to the ecosystem as a whole? They take up massive amounts of volume, contributing to the rising sea levels of the melting polar caps. With so many whales swimming rampant in the sea, the numerous prospering coastal communities of today could soon be submerged tomorrow! And speaking of global warming, these behemoths of waste only exacerbate the problem. Consider their mass and the amount of energy it takes to maintain equilibrium within all that flesh. All that energy and heat that they selfishly radiate from their bodies only fuel the fires of our apocalypse! And what do these gigantic monsters eat to fill their enormous, over-sized bowels? Microscopic animals called zooplankton. And what is the death toll from just one meal? Something in the neighborhood of 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. And I thought Americans had a tendency for excess. To further the waste, these whales do not uphold the duties that would usually be upheld by creatures of similar size. Other consumers such as sharks need all of their body mass to catch the amount and size of food required for their survival. How big does one need to be to eat food that one can hardly even see? Whales swim around the ocean all smug and lethargic, selfishly with-holding their large amounts of unused meat and nutrient that could otherwise be used to feed fellow inhabitants in the oceans.
Now how should we dispose of these vulgar whales in such a way as to minimize the damage and waste that they have already caused? My modest proposal is to nuke the whales. No doubt, nukes seem like too dangerous of a weapon to be deployed, but that is precisely the point! With so many nukes being stockpiled around the world, would it not be in the best interest of the survival of the human race, as well as other terrestrial beings, to quickly and efficiently dispose of these nuclear weapons? We could safely diminish our supply of such weapons, all the while providing the much needed first-hand, quality training to our thinly-stretched, battle-experience-lacking United States Navy. God bless
There are countless advantages to nuking the whales. First and foremost, eliminating the whales would be the plankton equivalent of finding the cure for cancer, AIDS, drunk driving, wars, mercury poisoning, faulty parachutes, smoking, drinking, smoke drinking, pedophilia, radical Muslim extremism, bungie-jumping miscalculation, and old age combined. And in an extra step, after we have prevented the deaths of harmless animals, we will provide plentiful nourishment and food for all species within the oceans. Sharks will have their fill, lowering the human death toll by nine a year! Fish will become stronger and in turn, produce more offspring which will improve the fishing economies around the world, setting off a domino effect that would result in lower taxes as well as lower seafood costs, allowing me to serve more cocktail shrimp and fish sticks at my future parties, further increasing my popularity and utility within my social network of friends and family. But most importantly, “Save the Whale” activists would cease to exist and their e-mails along with them. Thus giving me the extra time I would need during crucial moments to finish my homework assignments before I leave for school, such as this essa
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